


Mattie...can you hear me?

by StormyBear30



Series: Can you hear me? [1]
Category: 30 Seconds to Mars
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-15
Updated: 2011-09-15
Packaged: 2017-10-23 18:20:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/253443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StormyBear30/pseuds/StormyBear30





	Mattie...can you hear me?

“Where is it?” I hollered out in irritation as I searched for Jared’s always-elusive wallet. It was always the same when I came to pick him up for a night out with the boys. I’d get there, he wouldn’t be ready and then we’d go on a search and destroy for his wallet.

“It’s on the dresser by the bed…I think” I heard his murmured reply as he headed off into the shower.

“The fuck it is” I spoke annoyed to no one but myself as I searched the top of the dresser, even the over stuffed drawers and still no wallet was found. Frustrated, I fell backwards across the bed, grabbing the pillow at my side to lay my head upon when the fluttering of paper caught my attention. Picking up the wayward sheet I immediately noticed the chicken scratch also known as Jared’s handwriting written long handed across the pages. I knew I shouldn’t have done it, but curiosity got the better of me as I unfolded the crumpled sheets, my mouth hanging open in stunned silence as I began to read the words meant and yet not meant for me to read.

***Mattie can you hear me? I mean do you really hear me when I speak to you? Not the actual words themselves but the underlying undertones that I have been trying to express to you from the day we first met. I know you don’t, but sometimes, some days I could swear as I look into your eyes that you do. I love you Mattie. It’s a plain and simple fact that every single person who looks at me when I am with you can see, except you. You are so stupidly blind not to notice that you inhabit my entire existence that most days I have to control the urge to beat your stupid ass senseless until you do see. But I control those urges because I have to, because I would no sooner hurt a hair on your head then stop myself from breathing.

We’ve been friends for a long time Mattie. Nearly ten years if you can believe that. Ten years of you playing with my heart as well as other parts of my body time and time again. I don’t think you truly realize how much it hurts me when you kiss me, caress me, and fondle my most manly areas because if you did I know honestly that you would stop. When you first touch me it is like one of the greatest highs of my life. My heart races. The blood in my veins boils and my spirit soars and then in an instant when you come to your senses I am plunged into the deepest lows possible. I praise your very essence during those times when you work me up into a mess of emotions and feelings unlike I have every felt before and then in the same breath I curse you to high heaven for leaving me cold and almost dead in your after thoughts.

I’ve tried to move on, tired to find love and comfort in the arms of other women and men, but none of them are you. Do you hear me when I say that despite the millions upon millions of other men in the universe that none of them could ever hold a candle to your brilliance. You have spoiled me Mattie, spoiled any chance of my finding any true happiness or love because you are perfection in my eyes. You are the man that I have loved from the first moment I laid my eyes on your lanky figure all those years ago. You are the man that at this very minute as I write this letter that you will never see that I still love with the deepest intentions. How is it that you don’t know this Mattie? How is it that you can’t see that you are my every thing? Don’t you even have a clue as to how much you mean to me? How much you will always mean to me?

Pathetic? Yeah I know but this is what I become when I think of you. Sentimental? So much so that I feel that it may crush me into dust from the weight of all the memories that we have shared over the years. Crazy? Deliriously crazy for allowing a man who refuses see what is so plainly before his very eyes. Hopeless? I will always be hopeless when it comes to you Mattie because I can never give up the hope that one day you will love me, even if it is just in the slightest way that I love you.

We’ve been through it all in the years that we have known each other. Loving and hating. Together and apart. Cheap women and manly lovers and yet we are still here together today. I know this sounds silly, but I like to think that one day, maybe today, maybe ten years from now, but one day you will realize that you love me as much as I love you and sweep me off of my feet. I’ve dreamt about it dozens, hundreds, even millions of times and each and every one has been completely different and more wonderful then the last one. Some you declare your love for me in the loud and excited decibels in a very public place and yet other times it is in the privacy and seclusion of my home or your apartment. In these fantasies you touch my body in ways that only a lover can truly touch another lover and then in others you are rough and forceful, but never hateful or hurting.

How is it that I can love you and hate you all at the same time? How is it that I can put you high above the clouds on a pedestal made of gold, only to want to knock you off that very pedestal I have put you upon in order to make you hurt the way that I do? How is it that I long to make love to your beautiful body, taste your skin, only to want to mar that same beauty in my own hurtful ways so once again you can feel the pain that pierces my heart whenever you do something to hurt me?

I don’t think that you realize just how many times in the near ten years that I have loved you, just how much you have hurt me. You have mangled my heart so many times that all that is left is a barely beating bloody stump. You have injured my very soul with your many simple touches and kisses and with each one another blow to add to the massive piles that have accumulated throughout the years. Libby and the love that you felt for her was almost my undoing. To see you holding her, kissing her in public, not afraid to let the world know that you were together and in love. Knowing that you were making love to her body and she to yours turned my world upside down as the two of you bragged on endlessly about your blossoming love. I have to say it, because you will never see this letter, but I was so fucking happy when she dumped you. I was ecstatic when she broke your heart into a million pieces when decided that our constant touring schedule was just more then she would tolerate I wanted to jump and dance and sing at the top of my lungs because for once you finally had a taste of what I was going through when it came to you, but as ecstatic as I was, I was hurting for you as well.

Instead, I was there by your side as you pretended that you didn’t give two shits. I allowed you to hold me, to kiss me, tease me unmercifully as if to make me hurt the ways that you were hurting. What you didn’t know was that I was hurting Mattie, hurting so deep within my very being that I found it almost impossible to breath when I was with you. I hurt because of the way that you were making me feel without even knowing it, but I also hurt because of all the awful things I thought and felt about you as you were doing these things to me.

Why am I writing this? The truth is that I really don’t know. Maybe it’s a way for me to truly see how pathetic my life has become since you have come into it. Maybe it is a way for me to expel the demons that constantly haunt me due to the love that I have for you, but can never truly express to you. Truthfully I think that it is both reasons. It helps to write what I am really feeling down on paper, even if only I am the one who will ever see it. Yet despite my many journals following the course of my life, none of them are as painful to write as this simple letter.

 

The plain and honest truth is, the truth that I will never be able to get away from is that I love you Matthew Wachter. I have loved you from the time we first met and I will go on loving you until the ends of time. So give me your worst. Hurt me, use me, play with my emotions and feelings, but always know that whatever you do I will always love you. Your life is interwoven with mine forever and even if we can never be together in the ways that I crave, having you besides me in friendship will have be enough. Can you hear me Mattie? Can you hear me what I am saying to you? That no matter what you do, how you hurt me, love me, inhabit me, I will always be there by your side loving you forever.

Love Jared***

Tears pooled under my closed eyelids as the truth of what I had just read began to sink in. My heart had shattered more and more with every word that I read and yet at the same time it was soaring high above me. He loved me. He hated me. He wanted me exactly in the same way that I loved him, hated him and wanted him. I could not believe how incredibly stupid the two of us had been in the years that we had been together. Stupid and blind for never opening our eyes to what was really in front of us, because the truth of the matter was that I loved Jared just as powerfully as he loved me. The truth was out there and the time was now. There was no more wasting of precious moments that once gone we could never get back. It was time to prove to Jared just how much he meant to me and would always mean to me. The problem was that I had no earthly idea just how to do that.

“Did you find it” I heard his voice call out to me as he entered the room, dripping wet. A towel draped around his waist.

“Um…no” I replied quickly, rolling over onto my stomach, hiding the letter that I was never to have read. “Go and finished getting dressed while I continue to look for it” I threw out over my shoulder, praying like hell that he did as I asked because I knew that if he found out about what I had done he would truly hate me.

“Kinda hard to look for my wallet when you are being a lazy ass” He laughed, smacking me upon my ass as he exited the room, leaving me alone with my thoughts and his letter once again. Folding it the way that I had found it, I placed it back under his pillow as I removed myself from his bed. “Found it” I heard him whoop as he came rushing back into the room wallet in hand and dressed for a night out. “So come on and let’s go. Our night out awaits” He sang out, grabbing onto my arm as he lead me into the living room of his home. “We don’t want you to miss any of the fun out there” his laughter continued as we continued to make our way towards the front door.

“I hear you” I spoke quickly, pulling him into my arms and covering his lips with my own as we shared a quick kiss. I knew that he had no idea what I was talking about, but I did and I was going to make sure that soon he was going to know just how much he meant to me, just how much he had always and would always mean to me.

The end…for now!!!


End file.
